I’m a Homophobic Bisexual

Yeah, you read that completely right.

How?? WTF?? DaFUQ? HOW!???

I’ll tell you. There was once a time- a very long time ago- when I was a total snobby straight-girl homophobe. The kind that wouldn’t even look at anyone who considered themselves gay. In my defense, I was young and brainwashed by an up-tight family, but still… I hate to think of those high school days. Well, karma’s a big bitch and on orientation day of my freshman year of college, I met my soulmate. And she was a girl.

Upon finding the love of my life, I became as rainbowly open-mined as they come. Watched lesbian movies. Told my friends to try going gay if their straight relationships went sour. Protested for gay rights. Listened to a lot of Tatu. Encouraged those who were struggling. Basically, I was 100% and totally ok- even proud- of my newly discovered LGBTQ identity. It made it so much easier that I went to a liberal arts college where, like, 80% of the population identified as LGBTQ, but it was really separating from my semi-religious, super closed-minded and miserable family and joining my soulmate’s extremely laid-back and open-minded one that did it. I went on through life with her, believing that being LGBTQ was totally and completely normal and natural and that anyone who didn’t believe in gay marriage or that LGBTQ people were total sinners was automatically terrible in my mind.

But you grow up a little bit. Me and my soulmate went through a breakup and it devastated my life- emotionally, financially, and even my career. I was in my early 20’s at that point, and we had been together 5 years. She was everything to me, and I had built my entire life around her- naturally, I fell apart. I lost the love of my life, her family which had been closer to me than my own, and a lot of my friends. Later, I fell for another girl who rejected me after months of vicious flirting. I moved back in with my mother and went to church again. I repented my sins to my family. I cried to my parents. I got to hear my Grandma tell me the Lord is proud of me again, and my newly-engaged cousin lecture me on the sanctity of marriage and how I was being punished for dating someone of the same sex.

I regressed a little mentally after that. I went back home to where I grew up as a teenager- a place that holds lonely, dark memories for me, a place where I felt friendless and unloved. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just wanted to please “God” again so my life would be better. I couldn’t eat much, or move, or work. I laid in bed and cried all year long, just looking at all the pictures of college and all of my friends and how much I missed my dear little school. I cried for my old life- it was like high school all over again! Where no one understood me, I was treated like a child, and stuck in a small town with nothing and no one. I became the younger, more spoiled, more bratty version of who I really am. I became ego-centered instead of love-centered. It was traumatizing.

I eventually moved back up to where I had been living during college and grad school. I diligently went to church and confessed my sins. I wanted to be a good person again. I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted “God’s” love. Me- me, who had once been such a determined rebel. Me, who hated anything to do with organized religion. Me, who once wore rainbow sweatpants and made out with my girlfriend in front of Chick-Fil-A just to piss off the homophobes. Me, who fought tirelessly for LGBTQ rights and for being oneself and for tolerance. Me, who valued art and science above conformity and societal bullshit. Me. I became the dreaded “One of Them.” A person who can’t love or feel because I forgot what it felt like. Someone I couldn’t stand.

I’m still in a dark place when it comes to my sexuality. I have dated both genders, and have had strong feelings for both men and women. I’m talking to my ex-girlfriend, the soulmate, and we are trying to work things out. But I notice that I approach the LGBTQ community in a way I never did before. I approach them in an embarrassed, middle-school like, ashamed way. I resent those who “appear” to be gay. I don’t understand how or why it happens, or why it had to happen to me. Sometimes it feels like I’m cursed. But I remember when it was so much happier and healthier to be free. After moving back home and going back into the closet, I feel like I am once again tied up in chains- the chains of a person someone else wants me to be, not who I really am. It hurts a hell of a lot and I struggle everyday. I struggle with self-hatred, self-blame, self-doubt, and self-bullying. I used to have no shame in loving someone else. I used to proud to be bisexual, proud of the fact I loved the soul- the person- and not just the genitals. Now, I’m not so sure.

I am a bisexual woman who struggles with mixed emotions regarding society, what is natural, and with religious ideology. I am in love with a woman, and I always will be. I’m scared to be judged. I’m afraid of myself and how much I can love someone despite all the hardships and family members it has cost me. I’m ashamed at the fact that I could be so immature as to start judging the LGBTQ community. I’m humiliated that I’m a part of it at the same time. I hate myself for being “like the others” and judgmental. No one likes a hypocrite, am I wrong? Either way, deep down I know I believe in being oneself and that society doesn’t matter. At the same time, it’s still a violent, scary world out there.

I’ll just end this post with this: It’s hard to be yourself if you have no idea who you are.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. rawgod says:

    Hey Amy, so you’re a confused adult trying to get back into the warm safety of your mother’s womb. Hey, everyone does it. My own advice, if you were to ask for it, would be to embrace where you are at, but keep the real you protected in a small compartment of your mind so that when you are ready to let her run free again, you can take all the experiences you are presently going through and learn from them. The biggest one, of course, is that you cannot truly love anyone else if you don’t love yourself. And in order to love yourself, you have to admit freely to all the different things that make you a person.
    I cannot say that I myself ever felt the need to be gay, but I did feel the need to be around people who were. Gay guys, lesbians, bisexuals, non-sexuals, transgenders, cross-dressers, whatever, I have had friends (or I should say say strong acquaintences) with people from just about every walk of life, colour, creed, religion, nationality, sexual persuation, gender or combination of genders, whatever. I have hobnobbed with millionaires, businesses types, lawyers, street people, junkies, musicians, Mensa freaks, really anyone who was willing to talk to me, and for some reason most people are more than willing to tell me their darkest and dirtiest secrets. I listen without judgment, and that seems to be rare in most people’s experience.
    So I have a lot of wisdom to draw upon, and with which I am willing to impart to anyone who wants to “listen” to me spout off. I haven’t been everywhere, haven’t done everything, but I have pretty much talked to someone or other who has. Murderers, rapists, super Christians, atheists, Jews, Buddhists, Mormons, whatever. And now you.
    And you are a breath of fresh air, so far. Honest to the point of revealing yourself to the world. If I can go so far with someone I still need to “meet,” I am already in love with the person you are. You are willing to FEEL, good, bad, indifferent, it doesn’t matter. Being willing to FEEL is one of the greatest abilities of becoming a successful living being, by which I am not talking about by societal meanings of success, though you may want to do that sometime too.
    Am I on the right track? Or am I confusing you with my mental image of the perfect person? My perfect person is full of flaws, but is not scared to be flawed. I think that is you.
    I’d love to say more, but I don’t want to bore you with “me.” I want to hear more about you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are remarkable! You have definitely pegged me. I think it’s awesome that you are able to take people’s experiences and listen without judgement. It’s a rare an precious gift. I like that you are open-minded and willing to understand all walks of life. I’ve been through a lot of great hardships these past few years that have changed me, sometimes I’m not sure if it’s good. I’ve become wiser, but also not nearly as free-spirited and open-minded as I used to be. Like you said, the real me is compartmentalized somewhere. Thank you for sharing with me, and feel free to share more about yourself with me 🙂 I think it’s amazing when two human souls connect in some way, even if it’s on the internet! I am full of many flaws, I guarantee that, but it is better to admit them than to pretend I’m perfect!

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  2. rawgod says:

    One question, though, I see you are screening your “comments,” after saying you are willing to share ideas with anyone. Just curious about the safety net. (and don’t feel you have to publish my comments if you don’t want to. As long as I know you are reading them, and letting them infiltrate your mind, then what you do with them is completely up to you. As I said, I try not to judge, at least not in public, if you know what I mean. fter all, I am human too, for whatever that is worth.

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    1. Yes, I’m not sure why my comments are screened! I didn’t set it up that way on purpose. I might try to see about fixing that. Thank you for bringing that to my attention!

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  3. rawgod says:

    No problem. I was wondering if that were accidental. But I will enjoy exposing myself to you–in a non-photograhic manner, that is. I have nothing to hide, though some people think I should hide some things. No subject is taboo for me. I answer ANY questions anyone asks of me. And I try to let my spirit do most of the talking. My ego doesn’t always agree with that, but despite that I am atheist, my ego knows it is temporary while my spirit is eternal. we both know who matters the most.
    Did you read the blog I posted about you last night. Well, some of it is about you, some of it is memories you dredged up out of the depths. I too have suffered from break-ups with partners who were very important to me, but over time I learned to savour the memories and the good times, and ignore the bad once I have learned why the bad even happened. I don’t believe in fate or karma or anything which says there is order in the universe, for me all is chaos. But that doesn’t mean I can’t try to give some order to my chaos, and keep moving ahead in a straight spiritual evolutionary direction. (Mostly going ahead, sometimes going sideways, but hopefully never going backwards.)
    I’m off right now to go peddle my wares, but I will write again tonight. Don’t you love the excitement of meeting a new friend? I’m always amazed when I do. As for the internet, without it we would never have known the other exists. That would have been an unknown and unknowable loss. Welcome into my life. I hope you will enjoy it as much as I already enjoy having you in mine.
    J

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  4. rawgod says:

    Hey Amy, what’s happening, girl? Are you still with the living? I certainly hope so? I’ve been waiting for a follow-up Blog, but I haven’t seen one yet. Now I’m wondering if I am guilty of saying too much to you. I know you loved your ex, I’ve been there, more than once. I went insane over losing one of my greatest loves, then when she came back to possibly mend the rift, I was so overjoyed I scared her away, forever. Last I heard she was married, with kids, and none of her friends would tell me her new last name. And I suffered like I’ve never suffered before, but I cannot be sure about after.
    Please write something to let us know you are alive, and what is happening for you. I’m guessing your parents have you in a headspace that makes them think they have won your soul back, but we both know that isn’t true. You know how to love, how to be in love. You cannot help but fall in love again… Female… Male… Who cares? (Well, I actually think you’ll be better off with a loving woman, but that’s just me. I know men too well to believe we aren’t all jerks in some way or other. But that’s food for another feast…)
    Right now, I just want to know you are safe, in all meanings of that word.
    Please.
    Jerry

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